Through the natural condition of life, humans are reduced a pair of antennae that are constantly scanning for the frequency of meaning; things that define our existence. Some turn to the occult and mystical where others turn to the practical and pragmatic. Nevertheless those meaning-seekers aren’t ever fully satisfied. And with the accumulating static of societal expectation of what one "should be", it’s ever difficult to come to any conclusion.
I personally have been floundering around with this paradoxical radar system for the past 4 years and actually pride myself on being more sensitive than the next person. I constantly engage in things of the heart and didn’t think it would take this long to figure shit out. I mean, I’m an actor by trade and have trained myself to adequately revert back to a childlike state when necessary! I cry at sunsets for Christ’s sake! However, every time I thought I reached a happy symbiosis with life, the page would turn and an unexpected oscillation of circumstance would disrupt my balance and I would be lost yet again, searching and desperately grasping at anything that would make sense at the time. Fruitless endeavors, but perhaps now I know why.
Most of my past years have been defined by a specific goal; become a steadily working actor. This was decided after I knew that I definitely DID NOT want to work in another industry, in which I toiled for a short period of time . Essentially, I filled the "meaning" void with a placeholder without giving it too much thought. This was perfect at that moment because it was something I could use as fuel to drive me forward and it gave me something to do. Now since living in NY is such a god damn bitch and my million dollar acting check was taking too long to be signed, I had to diversify my "talents" to keep myself afloat, which is why I delved into photography and other industries.
(NYC is like a swamp - teeming with astounding bio-diversity, but you really need to see it for that beauty to ever want to swim in it)
But I digress…
What I essentially did was place a goal as an external object that I thought would provide the lifestyle I wished to live.
I digress further…
I was building and building this web of connections and with a retrospective eye, have something to show for it. But it wasn’t enough. After relentless frustration I recently, and quite impulsively, decided to give it all a short break. This seemed like certain death, which is why I had to swing with the swiftness of a katana to actually take the leap. A 3 month sojourn was decided in the timespan of 24 hours.
Boom. One way ticket. Now i’m in Milan.
It’s only been a week, but I realized what I should have done some years ago; define the lifestyle I want to live PRIOR to establishing goals to accommodate that decision. Temporarily giving up my adamant and white-knuckled attempts to be an actor has lifted such a weight off my shoulders. I can see things with more clarity and know that when I do return to NYC, I will be able to pursue anything I want without the outcome being my lifeline. Expecting a result to be directly corollated to happiness hasn’t been working for me, but the brief reprieve from any expectation has surely given me a taste of a life I would actually want live.
I wrote a rulebook for a previous me. As that me has evolved, the rulebook stayed the same and became the cause of a severe disquiet. Something needed to be changed.
This hiatus is the action of rewriting an old scribe, updating old scripts, installing new software, and polishing my awareness for a sublime and pure appreciation of life. I just hope I can remember to consistently be attune to the flux of Pasha in the future. This should all prove to be interesting.