How often do you fantasize; about the future, about possibility, about sex? Let’s assume “fantasize” means indulge in thought about a seemingly unattainable object. It’s not difficult speculate on the frequency of our sexual fantasies, but what about the former two?
While careening down a freeway though Belgium into Luxembourg, I realized that everything I had once dreamed and fantasized about had come true. Childish fantasies about running away to unknown territories with a pretty girl where now tangible. I worked by my own schedule. The facade seemed perfect, yet why were thoughts of confused free-fall running parallel to this superficially ideal moment?
In short: yes - it’s completely the life I wanted. But, let me point a finger at something hidden that was lying just below the surface.
Way back when, during my college years, I planted seeds of intent every evening prior to sleep. I pictured myself somewhere in europe, with a pretty someone, in a car, driving from one architecturally pleasing location to the next. Life was a carefree adventure in those pre-somnat reveries. This was <4 years ago. I was a nocturnal escapist. I also didn’t have any physical entity or job that I could creatively scale in my imagination to provide me this reward of european adventures; so I continued to dream. I fantasized about foreign street signs, cold pitchers of water in rural European restaurants, the small villages through which I would drive. I’ve forgotten about all the nights I laid in my dorm or cramped manhattan apartment and just floated in hedonic abstraction. Yet then, while behind the wheel on European route 42 I realized that all of those dreams have come true - I also realized that I haven’t fantasized about anything in a very long time.
The fragile doubt that had developed over those years of passive soul searching left me without much purpose. I dreamed about physical things; the side-effects of vocations, but not the vocation itself. Lo, everything I fantasized about was granted; the frame without any art. It was shocking to connect this scene to the long forgotten blueprint.
I found myself in a very beautiful moment without an identity.
Over a year ago, I started to write music. The spirit of the project allowed me to communicate with the world in a new way, but I didn’t fully understand the potential of the new language I was learning. In a lot of ways, the music caused frustration because I wanted it to spark and be this absurdly successful thing immediately. I would become well compensated and live happily ever after. But even so, I didn’t FANTASIZE about that happening. I just made more music and hoped something would go viral. I laugh at my naivete! I was doing without picturing concrete results.
All of this leads me to share a small theory I have: one must continue to fantasize in a childlike way about the future. Dream. But seriously do it. None of this motivational poster bullshit about saying the word and not acting upon it. Remove woo-woo and fluffy connotations and take the verb for what it is. See where your fantasies take you and rinse and repeat. Having your bigger than life goals at the forefront of your mind HAS TO BE A GOOD THING. It just has to. I don’t know how, but I got this hunch…see?
My takeaway from all of this is to do a little dreaming about the concerts I’ll play, the cool people with whom I’ll be collaborating, the dope studios in which I’ll be recording my tracks. I’ve recently started to have this fantasy of being invited by someone in the European music industry to take a few weeks to work on a projectin Copenhagen. Just thinking about the possibility of something like that makes me giddy. In the meantime I’ll continue to work on my jams, but at night, when no one is looking, I’ll take myself through the motions of walking through that studio with posters of some dutch artists up on the wall and fucking love it. Maybe someday it will come true. It probably will. Eyes closed and fingers crossed!